HOW TO USE THIS WEBSITE
When you click on the Family Resource Guide, you will find educational material on the topics needed to organize your personal information, which are separated into sections.
Please note that at the end of each section there is a link to the data pages that match that section, which are used to record your personal information. These data pages are also available in the Resources section. These can be downloaded and printed for your use.
Most clients report that by now they are feeling exhausted with the work they have done on this project. But having gone this far – it's just a few more steps and you're finished! I encourage you to hang in there and finish what you started. The decisions listed in this section are truly the best gift you can give your family. You will have made the choices for them and they will never have to live with the questions of: “What if . . .” or “Did I do it right?”
You will make the following decisions based on past personal experiences, religious and cultural traditions, as well as wisdom, and basic “gut feelings” – balanced with the financial considerations. There are no wrong decisions, just different ways of doing things. The following information will help you understand the financial part – but the experiences, traditions, wisdom and gut feelings are your own. You may wish to read this first and then complete the pages – or you may wish to do it in reverse. It doesn't matter, as decisions do sometimes change according to circumstances, and this can be a springboard for discussion within the family. The important thing is to just do it!
Many benefits go unclaimed because the survivors did not know of their existence. It is therefore important to record these here. There may be pension benefits for the surviving spouse, union or fraternal organization death benefits or accidental death insurance policies on bank accounts or automobile accident death benefits with AAA. Remember to check employment and retirement benefit program information.
In the data pages, you will have recorded your life insurance information. Make certain that your beneficiaries are kept up to date and discard any policies that are no longer in effect.
You must notify Social Security if the deceased has been receiving benefits. The mortuary is supposed to do this also. Depending upon your local office, you may be able to handle this with a phone call followed by sending or taking to the local office a certified original death certificate. It is important to know that if the deceased was receiving benefits, that they are not entitled to them for the month in which they died. Social Security checks are issued for the prior month. This means a check issued on February 3 is for the month of January. Thus, if a person dies even on the 31st of a month, the next check to arrive in the bank account will be withdrawn later the Treasury Department. This may have a major impact upon the budget of the survivor. A very small death benefit is given to the surviving spouse or dependent children.
Ask about survivor benefits to the spouse and dependent children. To file for these, you may need to take the following original documents to the local office:
• Marriage Certificate
• Birth Certificates of spouse and all children
• Social Security Cards for spouse and children
• Death Certificate
• Earning statements of the deceased
• Divorce papers, if applicable
Call Social Security to request a booklet entitled: “Understanding Social Security.” A review of this may answer many questions you have.
NOTE My Personal Experience: My best advice in dealing with Social Security is to check everything you are told twice and get receipts and copies of everything! I visited the local office of Social Security to stop my mother's benefits after her death. Although she had direct deposit and the funds had already been sent to her bank, they insisted that I repay them directly for the last month of benefits. My response should have been to tell them to take it out of her account, as that was what happened. They failed to notify the Department of Treasury, who also withdrew the same amount from her account, without notifying us. It took 5 months, numerous forms, copies of the birth certificates of the trust beneficiaries, photocopies of the canceled check, Treasury Department forms, and finally intervention on our behalf by our Congressman's office, before the funds were returned to her account. Never, in the course of this "trial" were we contacted by Social Security or the Treasury Department, not even when the funds reappeared in her account. Keep a copy of all receipts and records!
The deceased military service record and related documents and information are needed as the Veterans Administration offers some benefits. The original discharge papers (DD-214) are required to make a claim. If the deceased was an honorably discharged veteran, the following benefits and services are available from the Veteran's Administration Department:
• A flag for the casket and a headstone/marker – even for a private cemetery plot.
• A grave/niche in a national cemetery, although not perhaps in the immediate area
• Possible financial benefits – depending upon your income, ages of children, etc.
• Other benefits may be available if the deceased died in a Veterans Administration Hospital or contract facility, or of a VA Service Connected Disability
The funeral director should be able to arrange for these benefits or you can contact your local Veterans Administration representative. The phone number should be listed at the front of your phone book under United States Government Offices. The original discharge papers (DD-214) are required to make a claim. Request a Replacement form now, if you cannot locate your original.
NOTE Coast Guard and National Guard duty are not included in consideration for the benefits listed above. Check with these individual organizations for their benefits.
Disposition of the Body
In other cultures, and in our own many years ago, it is considered an honor to help prepare a loved one's body for burial. Strict rituals and traditions are followed and all the family members and friends know what is expected. With these guidelines “fears of the unknown” are lessened, and the players simply put into effect the game plan that has been played over and over again throughout the ages. Grief is a state of being, as well as an emotion, and many times normality of action and thought simply doesn’t exist.
Our society has become so mobile and segmented that we lack inter-generational experiences and training. A large number of the adult-children or baby-boomer generation have never been to a funeral. They may have experienced other grief (such as a divorce), but the finality of death is a reality they have yet to face. When this is added to the factors of lack of experience and fear, you have a population in denial.
As individuals and as a society, we have abdicated our responsibility for taking care of our loved ones after death and have assigned that role to the funeral director/mortician/mortuary personnel-you choose the most comfortable title for yourself. And since we gladly hand over this task, we don't want to know anything about it, until we need their services. It is always on an emergency basis. And we are always shocked at the cost and the complexity, because we didn't want to know anything about it before we needed it!
Not many people will visit mortuaries to choose the one that's right for them. There is always something better to do on a Saturday afternoon than go mortuary shopping. Yet, you wouldn't put on a new roof without several bids from contractors or buy a house without checking out more than one. Why is it that we spend thousands of dollars on funeral and burial arrangements without batting an eyelash? Many times we later regret decisions made during that period of grief. I strongly encourage each of you to take three hours to visit mortuaries. Meet the personnel and evaluate their facilities and prices. Our laws now require that a list of fees be available to anyone who requests them. You have probably chosen the attorney and accountant and clergy to assist your family at a time of crisis, why not the family funeral director?
There are a few basic decisions that must be made immediately regarding the disposition of the body following death.
• Choice of burial or cremation and disposition of the cremains.
• Type of services desired (funeral, memorial, or other)
There are no right or wrong answers here, only preferences. Choices should be based on the deceased's wishes, tradition, religious beliefs, and economics. Too many times choices are only made by emotional response to loss, and those choices may be extremely costly, both emotionally and financially.
Funeral services are usually handled at the mortuary or church facility with the body present in an opened or closed casket. Graveside services may follow. Memorial services are held in a variety of locations without the presence of the body. These gatherings are often held at mortuaries, religious settings, parks, beaches, family homes, community facilities or hotel suites. Most often the family hosts a gathering together with food and beverage, so that those attending might visit and be with the extended family.
Fairly recently, several direct cremation firms have joined the field. They provide similar services as mortuaries, with the exception of embalming. Some have facilities where services can be held. They pick up the deceased, provide the cremation service and return of cremains, file for death certificates, etc.
Cremation is done one at a time. A steel identification plate is kept with the cremains at all times, and they are placed in a small cardboard box. The final disposition is a family choice, but the firm will ask for your decision for the official paper work. Choices include: burial, entombment, scattering (check with your state law for regulations), or returned to the family.
Request a list of prices from several mortuaries in your area NOW. The decisions and choices that must be made during a time of grief and shock are overwhelming. It's best to be aware and prepared.
Several large corporations are presently purchasing independently owned mortuaries, keeping the same name and many times the same staff, but within a short period of time the prices almost double. Be certain to ask who actually owns the business. Experience has shown that this information has not always been forthcoming from the company owned facilities. Probing questions may be required to actually get this data.
Direct cremation or burial packages include fees for the basic services (see above chart), removal of remains, filing fees and service car for delivery to cemetery or crematory. These do not include the use of the staff or facilities for services, etc. and therefore the charges are lower.
Many states require that a new casket be used, however there is a growing trend to offer rental caskets, with a removable cardboard insert, which is covered with fabric. This offers the family an additional option, especially if a funeral is desired followed by cremation.
Ask if the mortuary charges an extra fee to use a casket not purchased through their facility. In some areas, “discount” casket stores or internet sites and Costco may be options to purchasing a casket through the mortuary, but carefully check the prices and contracts and delivery times. Another option would be to have one built for you by a carpenter, as was done for years in our country.
If direct cremation is desired, this can be accomplished with an “alternative container,” usually made of cardboard, with a MUCH price tag. Internment in a distant location may include additional expenses:
• Embalming (required for shipping the body via airline, etc.
• A casket and shipping container (or a special combination container)
• Airline shipping charges
• Transportation to the airport
• Possible mortuary fees at the destination
• Transportation from the airport to the cemetery
Option: Our family faced this situation when my aunt died in Illinois but wanted to be buried with her husband in San Diego, California. According to her wishes, she was cremated in Illinois. My sister-in-law then obtained necessary paperwork and carried her cremains on the airplane as carry-on luggage and personally delivered them to the cemetery. Check also with the airlines for current TSA requirements and bereavement airfares, if offered. Often the internet is your best resource. If cremation is requested and the mortuary does not have an on-site crematorium, the mortuary will help make arrangements and provide transportation to and from the facility for a fee.
If cremation is done at an off-site crematorium (usually affiliated with a cemetery), the cremation fee will be billed separately.
In some papers, death notices are considered to be a classified ad, and they may charge for this service. Obituaries are written by the newspaper and are usually printed at no cost depending upon their time and space considerations. Check with the newspaper for their policy.
These are issued by the county clerk and can be ordered through the mortuary. Original, certified copies are required by most institutions, and it is suggested that as many as a dozen be ordered. It's easier to get them all at one time. Prices vary, but certified certificates are about $15 - $25 each depending on your location. You can request that they make a photocopy and return the original to you.
These will be required for:
• Social Security
• Life insurance companies
• Accident insurance companies
• Veterans Administration benefits
• Brokerage firms
• Each stock or mutual fund if certificates were issued
• Annuities, pensions or retirement plans
• Each bank or financial institution
When you visit and/or select the mortuary of your choice, inquire about payment terms and conditions in addition to prices for services. Some allow a 60-day period to pay for the services rendered. This usually allows time to settle insurance claims and have the funds available. Other mortuaries require that 50 percent or more of the fees be paid immediately, unless other arrangements are made at that time. They might also include a 5 percent surcharge for billing the estate. Become informed consumers, so there is a clear understanding now, of all obligations. This eliminates misunderstandings later, and it is best for all parties concerned!
NOTE I encourage you to contact the Funeral Consumer Alliance or Association in your area and join this organization, for a small one time fee. This group has alliances with different mortuaries in your area, who offer a discount to the FCA members. Forms can be completed and lodged with the mortuary of your choice, and they have all the information they need when the family arrives to make the arrangements. They also offer extensive resources and information on green burial, etc.
You are strongly encouraged to make these arrangements prior to the time of need, especially if the personal preference is burial. As with the mortuary, visit several cemeteries and make your own comparative study – when grief is not a part of your decision making process. Do not go alone if at all possible. Take a relative or trusted friend, especially if this is at a time of immediate need! Some cemetery employees are paid on a salary basis and others on commission. You will most likely observe a vast diversity in the sales approaches. If you experience the “hard sell” attitude, it is suggested that you make no decisions immediately, sign nothing, and review your options away from the facility. There is always time to make wise decisions! Some people may want a crypt in a wall of matching marble (with a price tag of $50,000) or a plot on a hill with a view of the ocean (at twice the price of a non-ocean view plot), but others may not. Let neither grief nor guilt make those decisions for you!
If the choices are cremation and disposition at a cemetery, the usual options available are burial or entombment in a niche. There will be headstone or nameplate charges and opening and closing fees. These expenses are paid for at the cemetery.
If burial is the choice, there are additional expenses to consider. Most facilities require a vault be purchased. This is a concrete box with a lid, to contain the casket and prevent the ground from shifting. These can cost from $750 to $10,000 depending upon quality and moisture proof ratings. Also, many cemeteries are requiring ground level name plaques, rather than monument style headstones. It is easier and less expensive to maintain the grounds with this style of headstone.
Other financial considerations include the opening and closing costs for grave plots, niches and crypts. Also, there may be fees for installation of the headstone. Most pre-paid plots do not include these fees, which are paid for at the current market rates when needed. Make certain that endowment care (permanent care of the plot/niche/crypt) is included in the purchase price. Again, check on payment agreements, as some cemeteries will not allow placement of the headstone/name plate until all other charges are paid in full. Financial planning for these expenses should be considered a part of your estate planning process.
I suggest that you and your family have a discussion on your wishes, and that you visit several cemeteries in our area to make arrangements. But be aware, that most cemeteries will NOT BUY BACK a plots if you change plans later. Prices vary within communities and in different parts of the country, and fees increase yearly.
Make a list of designated individuals in organizations who will notify the membership or those individuals whom you family might not think to notify.
“There is a direct correlation between how well your family is prepared for loss and how well the family unit survives.”©1992 jks. After a loved one dies, most family arguments are focused on the “stuff” that is left in the estate. Don't assume that your heirs will be in perfect agreement with regard to your assets! It is not fair to leave your trustee/executor the job of playing “Solomon” with your belongings.
We have been hired to be present at family distributions, to video tape the proceeding and work with the security guard who was also hired to ensure that the heirs received only their own inheritances.
Be certain to record what you want to leave to each individual, and any additional information that may not be contained in any other document. And sign and date this document.
Carefully follow the advice of your attorney.
Determine who has authority to make the final arrangements!
1. Call next of kin, other family members, close friends and employer.
2. If appropriate, contact Pastor/Rabbi.
3. Call Mortuary to set up appointment.
4. Visit mortuary with at least one other person, to make arrangements. (Wishes are recorded in Exit Strategies. If family is coming from long distances, consider their needs in making plans. If the deceased was a veteran, take original discharge papers. Order certified copies of the death certificates.
5. If burial or internment are chosen, call and visit the cemetery. (Do not go alone, again, take a trusted family member or friend with you. If you are uncomfortable or feel pressured, do not sign anything immediately, but discuss it away from the facility.)
6. Notify friends, neighbors and social groups.
7. Concurrently with the above: Notify Attorney to review the following issues with him/her:
Attorney name: _______________________________ Phone number: ___________________________
□ All legal and financial issues (wills, trusts, bank accounts, etc.)
□ Notify landlord – check to see how much notice will be necessary prior to vacating premises. Allow time to process loss and handle moving of belongings.
□ Bank – obtain access to safety deposit box if one exists. Set up a proper estate administration bank account upon advice of the attorney.
□ Contact Accountant.
□ Contact Pension.
□ Contact Social Security.
□ Contact Life Insurance.
□ Contact brokerage firms and investment companies.
□ Cancel credit cards of deceased
□ Insurance: Cancel insurance upon sale of car, and renters/home owners insurance when space is officially vacated or sold.
□ Cancel group and publication memberships (check to see if any benefits are available prior to canceling).
Call a Professional Estate Organizer in your area for assistance.
